There's some kind of solace in solitude.
Life, as I've found for the past several months, has continued to launch me into solitary confinement. I have reached the darkest place I've ever seen.. one of countless voices that have continued to haunt me for years, screaming and whispering at the same time. One of constant downcast, life-draining, decade-repressed pain. One of inescapable manic frenzies that drive me insane and leave me numb. One of wild, uncontrollable emotional rides of blood-boiling confusion, anger, frustration, heartache, and sadistic laughter at the ridiculous state of it all. I laugh, I eat, I dance, I write, I walk, I breathe, I cry, I scream, I sing, I play, I gnash, I sink, I sleep.. most of all. In the past month I have slept more than I ever have in my life. I dream of a world where the voices can't reach me. I live as a character of love for others and for myself just as I am. When I wake, my eyes still look as if they wish to close again. I am weary. I am lost. Don't tell me "You haven't been through as much as you think you have." I already know I have much to be thankful for. Don't you think I would enjoy everything the way I was meant to if I could find a way? Don't penalize me for my obsessions or undermine my character. In the midst of the instability, it's ironic that I've found comfort in this dark place. I feel that for once, because I am totally cast out, I am free. I am able to be however I want because I won't judge, critique, or expect anything from myself. I am allowing myself to own the misery I feel inside, because there's nothing left. I won't try to cheer myself up or inspire myself to look on some bright side because frankly, the only way I know to make it through is to feel it. Really feel the grit of it, and move on. I don't have to justify or explain anything to myself in regards to how I change emotionally, physically, and emotionally. I am in this dark tunnel, and I see a glimmer of light. I feel solemn, comforted by the darkness because it forces me to retreat in fear.. into myself. That glimmer is God, having faith in me and giving me the freedom to go through this but letting me know that He's not too far out of reach. It's a part of me, and I know I'm being forced to retreat so convulsively right now because I need to be able to tap into it. I'm receiving a great message right now, and I don't know what it is or when it will come. As I grow more in stillness, more in darkness, more in strength, more in Christ, I grow more in peace.
