Pressure.

So this entry is about the PRESSURE I've been feeling so heavily in recent times.  I've been losing the love for my passions of music and dance because of such labor and pressure to measure up.  It's my worst trait; I always expect too much of myself too soon and am EXTREMELY disappointed when it doesn't happen right away.  I get angry and discouraged so easily because I know my potential.. and I know how much I want this. Most of all, I know I can get there and won't accept anything less than the best of myself.  No matter what I do or how well I do, I never fully feel satisfied.

A couple nights a go, I was just so fed up with everything.  I was physically, mentally, and spiritually worn out.. and I STILL was not getting the moves correctly no matter how much I kept trying.  I had midterms and didn't do as well as I should of, even if I know I didn't do badly.  My voice has improved also, but not as much as I would like.  I know I need to practice more and more. It's just so hard to find time to do all of this. 

I always have a million things on my mind at once: God, singing, homework, sponsorship, orders, grades, deliveries, performances, practicing, choreography, dancers, finalizing, be strong on this, smooth this out, hit this harder, organizing, forms, contracts, hair, this move is staccato, slide into this note, it's boom boom CAT boom boom not boom boom CAT uhhh boom baboom, the note is to sharp when you sing it so think like you want to sing it flat but you're actually singing it on pitch, appearances, pitches, body images, resonate that note in between your 1st and 2nd voice and less on your 3rd voice, pronounce this word with a proper vowel formation, family, friends, HOW TO DO ALL OF THIS AND BE ABLE TO BREATHE STILL, everything. And at that one moment when I was covered in sweat, knees aching, head burning from anger, blood boiling, no energy left.. I thought: "Maybe I just.. wasn't meant to do this.. as much as I want it and love it. Sure it's given me a reason to live for the first time in my life.. but maybe my body just isn't meant to cooperate and I just wasn't meant to be born with that kind of talent. Perhaps I should be more practical and realistic."

But I'm not giving up. This thought still holds a very steadfast place in my mind and spirit.. but I've invested too much time and energy.. blood.. sweat.. and tears to give up now. If I do, I let down everyone that's encouraged me to keep going.. and I let myself down.  I need to remember that the most talented and inspiring people are those who have worked the hardest.. and I've worked too hard to give up on my dream now. I asked for this, and I'm gonna try my best to follow through and not go back on my word with things get rough.

If Michael Jordan didn't make his high school basketball team, yet turned around to be the greatest player in history.. then I'm sure I can be just as great.

I gotta work for it, and I will.

Keep pushing,

Kina

Need to Digest.

To the left is a picture of a strawberry nutella shortcake Mae Mae and I made for breakfast saturday morning. Well I made that particular one in the picture though. ahahhaa. It's pretty, huh? =D

Kathleen Sabrina Reyes (one of the people who know me best):

"You've gone from being 18 to 23 in less than a year."

Don't I know it.. more like I can feel it. This week is going to be yet another exhausting week.. as I have 3 midterms, 8am/9am classes, and HELL WEEK starting for GRV (for those of you who aren't dancers, this means 7-3am practices everyday for about two weeks).

The week after that is still hell week because our competition is that saturday. That week also happens to be my spring break. =( But at least I get more sleep.. better to have these midterms now rather than the week before the competition. At least this way I can perform better.

I'm getting the hang of this sponsor gathering thing.. I've got one company willing to offer me quite a bit just to promote and perform for them.

Should I start drinking coffee? How else am I gonna wake up! Slapping myself and driving with the windows open isn't working! aha.

My inner calling for quality family time is getting louder and louder. I miss everyone and have been so busy with work, dance, singing, and school to make time for them. I know that in the future it's worth it, but you only get to make these kind of memories with your kin once.  I'm hoping to make some changes this year to try and spend as much time bonding with my family as possible, whether it just be dinner/lunch with them on weekends to going on vacations.

Most of my days last from 8am to 3am, so I think that inner longing for family is a sign that I need to slow down a bit. I have this problem of thinking that I'm superwoman and that I can go after every opportunity that comes my way at full force.  It's good to be hungry, but I'm starting to feel that spiritual, mental, and physical stomach ache.. if you get what I mean.  I need time to digest.

I broke my lent today. We had leftover donuts from yesterday. I didn't want to waste them. I'm so sorry, Jesus. But I promise to make it up on sunday. I won't eat meat OR fried things. 

Keep me in your prayers, I know I need as much as I can.

Stay Strong,

Cortinaaa ("curtain" en espanol)

Moving Forward.

Time to cater to one of my greatest passions as well - FASHION. It's not my most prominent interest, but still a pretty significant one.

Shout out to my friend SEAN, whose blog introducted me to the Satorialist, a blog dedicated to appreciating fashion around the world.

 

I don't have much money right now because I spend so much of it on gas, dancing, music, food, school, etc.  But at least I can indulge virtually =)

Here are a few ensembles I adored while surfing:

My fashion taste can only be described as simple, but very specific. A motif I try to live my whole life by, might I add.

Here, this dress is so intricate and vibrant, but very subtle.  The pattern almost looks like midnight tinted peacock feathers; the centers gently catching light to really add that special spark to the outfit.  I love how its soft, flowy fabric contrasts with the thicker material of the vest coat. The gloves look like they're almost constructed in a pinstripe weaving. Details, honey!

 

If you know me, then you know my favorite color is black. Why? it's timeless, clean, and brings out the highlights in colors all around it.

Here, this guy's coat is beautifully tailored. The buttons, pockets, and stitching accentuate his frame very well.  The peek of the blue shirt under is toned down just enough to balance with the brightness of the brown scarf (you wouldn't think brown could be bright, huh?).  Usually I'm not toooooo crazy about having two brightly contrasting colors in one outfit, but the black majority brings it all together.

And finally, you know I'm all about ingenuity. How do you make sexy pieces look striking without crossing the line? Downplay it enough to be intimidating, but not overbearing! 

I've got to say that my favorite piece in this outfit is the skirt. It's the heart of the masterpiece of course, and everything else compliments it very well.  The zippered skirt looks like it's made of some tethered, rough material - just enough to bring some raw edge.  The zipper across the thighs undone just a tad adds that sexy along with the platform stiletto boots.  And last but not least, the black tights and scarf cover her up, making this look perfectly appropriate.

Wellll that's all for now. In other aspects of life, I'm moving forward FAST. I can't wait for what's to come.  I've also been informed that in my upcoming showcase 600 people will be in the audience. No pressure right? =)

Stay Lovely Los Angeles,

TinTin

Looking Forward.

I'm kind of addicted to Norah Jones lately.

So no class tomorrow because it's the 13th (i guesssss. hahaha). Bam's teaching at Jayvee Dance Studio on saturday.. hopefully I can take for free because he said I could be his guest =O!!! Heh. Then Kim's party later that night.. ohhhh I can feel it's gonna be CRACKIN. Last time it was just a last minute thing and it was a really great time, suprisingly.  I'll be sure to start posting some pictures.

I made a twitter! :D

www.twitter.com/kristinajareno

I just got home from another exhausting day at practice.. another tiring and eventful week =)

I can feel the work I've been putting in paying off. BUT there's always room for more growth.  It's time for me to take a few more jumps not knowing where I'll land. All I know is I don't want to remain where I'm at for too long. 

For some reason, fear keeps getting the best of me. Not for long, I promise.

I'm trying to round up my sponsors for JEMA Entertainment's first Showcase. I might be opening up the show! ;)  Ahhhh.. so much to worry about.  The BIG GUYS are gonna be there and I'm gonna need to network like crazy! Luckily, I've already found a choreographer to help gather, stage, and handle some backup dancers to give my performance that extra candy :D.  He dances with me on GRV, and has done that sort of thing before so I'm pretty excited.  He's the only gay guy on the team and he knows EVERYTHING about being feminine, sexy, styled, etc. Basically all the things I'm usually not since I walk around in guy clothes and rarely get dolled up. This performance is substantially important to my debut as JEMA Entertainment's artist.. especially because of all the people I need to leave a lasting impression on. Plus the pressure of opening up the show to a venue that seats up to 600 people? OMGGGG. Hahahah.  I've only got a bit more than a month to perfect my piece, stage the performance with the dancers, get my best A-game up, find a unique&special look, gather sponsors.. so much to do!

Pray for me,

Kristina Ann

Motifs

EDIT: k so another haha. what can say. it was a good creative night.

k so.. another. what can I say. today's a good, creative day. k i didn't mean to rhyme there really.

"=)"

You make me smile.

Simple words tick like tocks on my dial

See I, can't turn a blind eye

to your bright, elusive aura

Drench my heart in wine

Like Norah. Joans of Arcs..

Fairytale remarks

You make me ..

=)

Make me want to remain victorious.

I'm not your a-ver-age martyr

Your not my a-ver-age ma-ver-ick

Though more than you know.

Don't you realize how much you shine?

Plus+, you balance out all the.. - negative lines

As we combine and equate so melodically

We become connoisseurs of the signs.

Peach, baby Pi. Mmm.. love so sweet

Irrational, necessary, yet so discreet

The ultimate wanna-put-you-on-repeat

Baboom base beats, you make me..

=) ::sigh::

Want to summon Eros.. himself

While he plays with arrows

Point to the left of three.

Pointing me which ways on which days

Again with the signs.

Summon Dionysis instead

Again with the wine.

Yes, drench me. 

Pour me out on your heart

And I'll remain soaked within you

'Til next we part.

"Penelope's Siren."

The waters ahead of you are turbulent.

Still I, weave this tapestry

Weave and weave, and need to proceed

and once you are free, I..

play Penelope.

See it rained today,

and in the midst of the mist

I imagined your kiss

Silver lining of bliss

Through the dark cloud abyss.

Del So[u]l peeks through, then

The bright warms my skin 

and I, bloom from within

and I, like the walls of Berlin,

Crumble, your love therein.

Hold on.. let me re-route.

See normally herbal remedies aren't my taste

But I'm just so high and no I can't lie

I sigh guilty of addiction.. to you.

Why? Can we not float away with our smoke

We spark and permeate so beautifully, so dope.

Haha..Again with the drugs, but I swear I am Parthenos

Just love drunk.

See I can't help but sink,

I've lost all direction.

Our burning hearts glow

through our champagne affection.

I resist the temptation,

TIngling to let you call me baby.

Although I want you to claim me

I won't neglect my identity.

Though a rose by any other name..

I'd still be sweet to you.

So cheers! Raise a chime in my heart

boomboom, kakakakat, baboom, KAT boom - so loud.

But hush, stay quiet and hold dear

Gently heed our song, no matter how near.

"Love: two minds without a single thought" - Philip Barry.

Let's just be,

kboo.

so i decided to write another. :)

but the direction of this one is.. quite opposite to the first.

"Standing Next to You"

I look in the mirrors only to see you next to me.

In optical reality, we might coexist but only physically.

Spiritually we don't connect, emotionally neither 

I will not taste your pollutive cider.

Sustained me like the others

"Do you really think I'd do that to you?"

I was the fool, you played a good hand.

An adept trickster never orchestrates a real man.

Disgust burns my intestines

Pain condenses my heart

'Twas almost enough to make me

Neglect hope, lose love, banish art.

In time, I'll forgive you.

A sinful grudge I consume.

Love, I beg you.. prove me wrong

as only sorrow looms.

Nostalgia.

Lately I've been taking a long stroll through memory lane. Part of the reason why I feel like I've finally reached my emotional and spiritual homeostasis (or as close to it as I can get) is because of this.. reflecting on where I started and how far I've come as a person. And for once, I'm finally taking the time to slow down and simplify my life. Only when I make room for growth, will I really make a turn for the best. I'm slowly learning that moderation is the key. I've sacrificed so much of myself and have been running on low for so long. I'm glad to say that rejuvenation couldn't be better =)

Anyway. I was thinking about the events of my debut and my pasts birthdays, along my memory lane rendezvous.

Shout out to Andro Gayondato, who serenaded and jammed with me on my 16th AND 18th Birthday Parties. You've come so far as well, Andro! Keep pushing!!! :D

EDIT

I forgot to sign out with a nickname. sorry!

PS: I made this post at Kathy's house<3 

PPS: I've also decided to start ending my blogs with inspirational quotes. =)

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Love&Peace,

Princess Laila

Feeling Good.

My internal balance has been restored. For now, I really feel that I'll be just fine for once.

Thank you, Father.. for quieting my troubled mind and comforting wary heart.

word of the day:

vie v.intr.

To strive for victory or superiority; contend. See Synonyms at rival.

1. Archaic To offer in competition; match.

2. Obsolete To wager or bet.

[Short for Middle English envien, from Old French envier, from Latin invtre, to invite, give occasion for; see invite.]

Well, isn't that amazing?  The etymology for the word "vie" suggests that it doesn't only mean to strive for something, but to invite.. 

So as I go on to vie for opportunity, I also invite opportunity.

sweet.

k peace out. 

- xtina

(i'll be signing out with nicknames)