So much has happened since my last blog 4 months ago. Hard to believe it's only been 4 months.
1. God.
I've struggled so much these past months. I've lost myself.. My spirit has been broken.. My heart has been beaten and scarred.. yet somehow God always manages to give me a glimmer of his light reminding me not to give up. In the midst of so much trial, fear, and falling, I remain cut open and giving a pure cry: "Abba, Father.. abba." Help me, Father, help me.. When I'm distraught, scared, and angry, I can't help but breakdown. My body concaves and yet I feel God's voice within me saying "It will be alright. You'll be fine. It's okay, let it out." Right then it's clear to me that I don't have to be this strong character that I've always worked so hard to be. I'm a woman, I'm human. I can fall weak to my knees and am entitled to express my emotions. It's so hard to muster up that drive that's always kept me alive; the drive to keep pushing onward. I can see more of God's plan unfolding everyday, yet I remain scattered and overwhelmed. Well, I've come to accept that it's perfectly normal .. with the dream that I have. In time, I'll be where I need to be. I'm just so eager to get there. But I need to be patient. God needs to mold me first.. Refine me with his fire. Right now is the time to burn and it will hurt so deeply, but it's necessary. I need to be able to withstand blow after blow and that stability doesn't come without being knocked down. All in all, he knows how much I hurt, but all that counts is each step I keep taking forward.
and: Thankfully, God has sent me a guardian angel to help me through all of this and guide me. My mentor, my sister, my everything. Thank you Ate Jess<3
2. School.
I'm still learning how to work out the kinks, but I've come to accept that I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'M A FRESHMAN. I'm supposed to! I'm young and still finding my way. In 20 years I won't beat myself up over every little thing I do wrong. The problem is my impatient, nitpicking, self-critical, personality that always wants to improve every second. But it's alright. It's exactly this quality that will get me to where I ultimately want to be. I've got the hang of quite a few things along the way, and it isn't so bad. My butt is being kicked a bit less now :)
I've actually decided on a shift in career goals. I'll talk more about it further through the blog.
3. Artistry
Man, it is such a blessing to see how much talent is undiscovered within our own city. It's kept me grounded to see that inspiring people doesn't always mean being on the big screen or tv. Love, truth, and sincerity in your craft is what inspires other people to keep going when they look to you for affirmation. I've still got SO MUCH growing to do, but as I reflect on what I've been through since i first started this journey in 8th grade, I'm glad to see the work that God has down and how much I've grown.. how far I've come. And boy, it's not over yet! I've got big plans for this year, big leaps. I've even expressed to my leaders, teachers, and mentors that I want them to be HARD on me so that I can pack in as much improvement as I can. This year I'm going to take even bigger strides than I have in the past. I don't want to run this year, I want to SPRINT. And mark my words, it will happen. I've already met some HIGH hurdles and have even failed jumping them, but the important thing is that I'm still going in this race.
Word of the month: CATALYST
Merriam-Webster definition: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action
Yes, if it weren't for these great hurdles and doors slammed in my face, I wouldn't have such a desire to speed faster to catch up or blow that door the F_CK open! (I tried to give up cursing for lent. My apologies.)
I really feel like I'm beginning to come into my own skin. I'm so scattered in trying to find my ground, my stability, my identity. There are so many things to take into account and so many endeavors to worry about. It's so difficult to simply my life and let nature take it's natural course. But I just turned 18. I know I've come so far ahead than quite a few other 18 year olds and have time.
SO. Here I go, venturing on to find my ground. =)
Literally speaking:
-GRV takes alot, still have those 5-8 hour rehearsals and 30-60 minute drives, not to mention the money it costs. But I feel like I'm giving it my all and learning so much. Still a workstudy, unfortunately. But hey, that was the ultimate CATALYST. Just wait - after a few years of working as hard as I work inside and outside of GRV, I'll be saying "WORKSTUDY MY @SS!"
-JEMA Entertainment is coming along beautifully. Jessica Michelle Magbitang, aka Jesschelle aka ATE works so hard. I only hope to make her proud and it's such a relief to have that one person who believes in you so much.. that one person who will hold you in her arms as you cry and rubs your back. She's also very maternal in many respects =)
-It's become more apparent to me that my real passion isn't in business, but teaching. I'll be able to teach my two passions and network accordingly, plus the skills I'm gaining from Other Duck is helping me. I don't have to major in business to learn about it ;)
4. Family
We still have our little fights here and there, but for the most part I'm in a peaceful household. I'm so glad that my parents are letting me spread my wings, if you will. I'm so blessed to have them and couldn't be more thankful. My cousin is beginning to find a bit of herself, my little MaeMae. Michelle is still doing her own thing. Kuya RJ is still building his prosperity up north. I'm so proud that he's established such a stable life, and that he's able to be a real man for his girlfriend Aira. Angelo is still.. the dearcousinjerseybestie. Sarsie couldn't be a cuter dog. For now, things seem to be going smoothly. Let's hope it stays this way for a longer while this time.
5. Love
I'm still single, and more aware than EVER about the game. I've got alot to do and don't have time to play. I really think God was just trying to make it easier for me to continue the path of my dream. To quote the film, Iron Jawed Angels, "When you're alone, you can make any choice you want. But once you're in love, you lose that right." God has specially picked me a man and I have no doubt I'll find him. But I'm just fine being on my own right now. In time after God's refined me and my match, we'll be an even better fit than we would have been in this young, flailing, developing phase of mine. God, my family, and closest friends are all the love I need right now. Romance can wait. Plus, looking back on my past pursuits, my mistake was becoming so open and vulnerable too soon. I value myself enough to wait until a man comes along that will earn the privilege of having me to care about them and ultimately share my love. A heart like mine shouldn't be given to just anyone, and a love like mine shouldn't be taken lightly.
Alright that's all for now, kids. I'll fill you guys in on more as more insight comes my way. Thanks for reading!
Love always,
Kristina
