It's beautiful

There's some kind of solace in solitude.

Life, as I've found for the past several months, has continued to launch me into solitary confinement. I have reached the darkest place I've ever seen.. one of countless voices that have continued to haunt me for years, screaming and whispering at the same time. One of constant downcast, life-draining, decade-repressed pain. One of inescapable manic frenzies that drive me insane and leave me numb. One of wild, uncontrollable emotional rides of blood-boiling confusion, anger, frustration, heartache, and sadistic laughter at the ridiculous state of it all. I laugh, I eat, I dance, I write, I walk, I breathe, I cry, I scream, I sing, I play, I gnash, I sink, I sleep.. most of all. In the past month I have slept more than I ever have in my life. I dream of a world where the voices can't reach me. I live as a character of love for others and for myself just as I am. When I wake, my eyes still look as if they wish to close again. I am weary. I am lost. Don't tell me "You haven't been through as much as you think you have." I already know I have much to be thankful for. Don't you think I would enjoy everything the way I was meant to if I could find a way? Don't penalize me for my obsessions or undermine my character. In the midst of the instability, it's ironic that I've found comfort in this dark place. I feel that for once, because I am totally cast out, I am free. I am able to be however I want because I won't judge, critique, or expect anything from myself. I am allowing myself to own the misery I feel inside, because there's nothing left. I won't try to cheer myself up or inspire myself to look on some bright side because frankly, the only way I know to make it through is to feel it. Really feel the grit of it, and move on. I don't have to justify or explain anything to myself in regards to how I change emotionally, physically, and emotionally. I am in this dark tunnel, and I see a glimmer of light. I feel solemn, comforted by the darkness because it forces me to retreat in fear.. into myself. That glimmer is God, having faith in me and giving me the freedom to go through this but letting me know that He's not too far out of reach. It's a part of me, and I know I'm being forced to retreat so convulsively right now because I need to be able to tap into it. I'm receiving a great message right now, and I don't know what it is or when it will come. As I grow more in stillness, more in darkness, more in strength, more in Christ, I grow more in peace.

Transformation.

So I decided to write about the past year.. reflecting on the endeavors I've pursued.. what I've learned yada yada.

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was 17, barely getting out of high school.  I mean I know it's only been a year, but honestly it feels like it's been 3 years packed into one.  

1. DANCE

..Is probably the best gift/passion that God as given me in my life and I can't be more thankful to Him for the opportunities he's bestowed upon me. Last summer, I was such a newbie (still am).  Future Shock, though just a junior team, was the best thing I could have ever been involved with first starting out in the dance community.  I'm realizing now that it was all a part of God's strategy to keep me grounded in positivity, love, and the MOVEMENT of dance.  Shock LA was always involved in the community and danced for a message.  But like all things, it had to come to an end. God said "No" for me to move on to Culture Shock, but thankfully he did say yes to GRV.  GRV taught me how to get nitty gritty, work harder, and most importantly to CLEAN.  The most important technical aspect of any type of art is to be clean, as in "defined."  When I sing notes, they must be distinct.  When I dance and move my body, it must be intentional.  Every part of my artistry whether soft, hard, smooth, staccato, slow, fast.  GRV reminded me alot of cross country because I had to develop mental discipline.  I would have never thought I could do 100 situps, 100 pushups, and run 3+ miles every week day, but I did. Neither did I believe that I could handle my 1st year of college, 2 week hell weeks of 7-3am rehearsals every day with class the next morning, working for Other Duck, and pursuing music.  On top of that I was in a very tough limbo between being on and off GRV, with the title of a "workstudy."  Auditioned twice with the same result.  I loved the fam, but I just wanted to be equal, to be up to par.  I later realized, though, that no matter if I was the strongest member of the team, the best dancer, the greatest teacher, friend, student, woman, whatever.. I would still always be a workstudy even if I wasn't called that anymore. I would still have that function with every aspect of my life because I'm constantly growing.  I recently started training with Gigi Torres, taking class in the industry.  It was such an honor to witness such professionalism, dedication, and focus within a class.  People traveled from all over the world to take these classes from choreographers, and the respect level was so much higher than I've known before.  Class was fun, but no one goofed around, listened attentively to the choreographer, and I would leave each class not frustrated at all because I challenged myself and felt productive. Sad to say, but this is something that the community is sincerely lacking at times (not that the industry is perfect because I'm well aware that it's far from it). I'm just saying that it was refreshing to be around dancers that were so amazing, professional, and humble, and made me want to give the best I could give.  Gigi also has taught me alot, mostly about life in general.  How in dance, each movement must have power and reason behind it just as in life.  I'm happy to say that each day I now live even more for a mission, for a reason. It opened my eyes, and my dream, to the international level. One day I want to be able to say that I've danced on all the different continents and connected with so many people of several backgrounds.  I want to be able to say that I've taught people to find their signature and reason within dance, music, and their own artistry.  I want to help people experience something beyond the everyday routine life - something of genuine, spiritual substance and energy.  I don't want to get caught up within life just in LA, when there's a world to be discovered!  Anyway, I'm very happy with where I'm at right now. Although I've let go of GRV, I've dedicated myself to training.  I want to get my technique up there and live each week as if I was in a bootcamp. I'm ready to transform even more than I have. I want to get hired in the industry soon as well. MONEY!! I need that. ahaha. Something Jess taught me is that you're never really ready for any audition, gig, performance, until you DO it.  You can prepare all you want but you're really just preparing for the next thing coming up in reality.

2. MUSIC

.. Has always been my refuge. For the past 5 years, Jessica's classroom has been my second home. With her direction in music and life in general, I felt like I was complete.  I felt as though God sent her to me himself, to be my angel, the sister I never had, the physical/tangible demonstration of his love for me.  It was the growth that I've had with her that even made me compatible with all things art, and gave me the courage to pursue dance.  But like all teachers, you can't stay in their classroom forever.  Recently, I've left her classroom.. and it's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I know now that as long as I was under her wing, I would never spread my own.  The only wing I should be under for a long period of time (like forever) is God's because his are so vast and wonderful.  She told me that I was ready to take the world on my own and it was time to start finding my own way.  But to say goodbye to the one thing you've held so sacred for 5 years? It was the most difficult transition I've ever had to endure, but it was necessary and I'm thankful for it.  Jessica has taught me so much and I'll be forever thankful to her for everything that she's instilled within me.  I would not be the woman I am today without her and I'm so grateful that she's still within arms reach as an Ate and friend.  I've let go of alot of things of my past simultaneously and it's kind of crazy to think about it.  I guess it's just time for me to fully embrace the woman I'm meant to be.  I'm going to start teaching beginning students soon in music and dance.. plan to get my business cards done.. yada yada. Time to be in BOOK mode! Time to WWWWWWWWWOOOORRRRRKKK it and fully put my heart and effort in this dream.  Change is good.

3. LOVE

Hm. What's love got to do with anything? hahaha. On the romantic level, it's still pretty much absent.  I don't mind though. Love will find me when the time is right.  For now, I'm just gonna work on becoming the best woman I can be.. the woman that will deserve the amazing man I know God has for me out there somewhere.. somewhere probably far far into the future. :( HAHA. It's okay.  I couldn't be more thankful for the love showered on me by my family and friends, though.   Sianquita clan! I love you guys! And to my friends that have supported me through the years, thank you.  I also got a new kitten named Lilo, and she LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEE BETCHES :D ahhaha.

So that's all I really have to say.  My hope is to spread a movement to the world.. to teach people how to find their unique characteristics and turn it into art, to make them realize the reason why they really have NO REASON to give up on themselves, to spread the light that God's put in my heart, to share my vision.   YADADADADADa. HERE JUST READ MY MYSPACE BIO. :) AHAHAH

"Where true faith is, it will induce obedience; and where it does induce obedience, it will always, in one form or another, bring a blessing."
- W. Hay Aitken: 

I live my life by one simple belief: There's always more to grow, more to give, more to love. I'm in a process of refinement. I choose to put myself through the ringer, take leaps where I know I'll probably fall, and jump when I know I'll be criticized when I land. I've got big dreams and goals, and I'm at the beginning of my journey. I know I've got a long way to go, but each step I take paints more and more the picture God's laid out for me. Each detail whether imperfect, intentional, or mistaken.. yet uniquely defined and beautiful - that's what I live for. More so, to spread that vision in the world. My name is Kristina Jareno, and I - with everything I will become - am more than what you see. 

^^THERE IT ISSS. :)

So. With all of that said, I embracing the transformation I'm about to make within the next year. And be sure, it will be a big one!

Peace out world. Love always,

Kristina Ann Sianquita Jareno

Eclipse of Me

I play to silence the mo[u]rning.
The moon is still high.
And I lay, immersed in His ambient melodies.
4:40 dusk meets dawn,
I take these moments to reflect
in the pools I've made;
I see just a fractured image.
Each time I'm just about to discover
The clear fragments of this sorry excuse for a reflection,
Life skips rocks, hands tick tocks, and my love, hip hop
cannot even pump the beats of my heart any longer.
Just when I think the winds have settled- another ripple..
this time dropped by confusion, anger leaking from my eyes.
Some say tears are weaknesses leaving the body;
Perhaps it is but reality sinking in.
And I have never drowned so solemnly.. 'til right now.
As the music stops I can no longer 
mask the sounds of my short breaths.
So far away from the surface 
I take comfort in the gentle Luna, herself,..
as I dread the sunrise of yet another mo[u]rning.

Evolution.

Today was a pivotal milestone to conquer: finding my artistic and personal signature, what makes me ME, finding comfort in the person I've become and progressing forward ALIVE in my own skin. For this, I am truly thankful and happy. =)

Song of Songs is one of the most (if not THE most) beautiful pieces of poetry in history.  

Creative juices flowing :D Here we go!

Love, I await that moment.

THE moment.. when our eyes first meet.

My restless, cold heart goes silent

basking in the warmth of your gaze.

Amazed, intrigued, something about you draws me in.

I feel the connection, stuck in this game..

for the first time in a while, I'm willing to play

"Smooth Operator," one move and you'll be gone.

I'll sing softly as the birds greet the dawn.

Skin of milk and honey, your beauty is absurd.

Enough to leave Solomon himself without words.

I can't wait forever, but perhaps I'll embark

on the quest to whom I will give my heart.

Listen.

God's voice has been speaking so clearly to me lately. Random people approaching me just wanting to share a message with me. And they all seem to be connected:

"In Lystra there sat a man crippled in his feet, who was lame from birth and had never walked. He listened to Paul as he was speaking. Paul looked directly at him, saw that he had faith to be healed and called out, 'Stand up on your feet!' At that, the man jumped up and began to walk." - Acts 14:8-10

"Where true faith is, it will induce obedience; and where it does induce obedience, it will always, in one form or another, bring a blessing." - W. Hay Aitken

"If you want to be extraordinary, you must make decisions beyond the norm." - my own mind.. haha

" Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." - Isaiah 30:21

"The measure of a believer's power is dependent on the degree of his or her surrender." - a quote my friend Dave Sormillion shared with me

"It takes more courage to let go, be completely vulnerable, and be led by blind faith than to stray your own path out of fear." - my own mind again.. haha

"You deserve happiness; don't let unfortunate mishaps and hopelessness tell you otherwise.Tis simply a matter of refusing defeat, even if you lose." - another one of my epiphanies. 

With that I'm just going to keep it simple and end with this: God's showing me the way and I couldn't be more excited, but scared, to follow it.

Pray for me,

Kina

Starting Line.

It's almost been two months since my last post. And it's time to reflect. 

After much meditation, soul searching, seclusion, work, and getting to know new people/places/opportunties.. I've gotten to know myself a bit better.  Last blog I talked about a paradox within me: fire and rage versus a dark, empty void.  It's not suprising, as I found out that my element is fire literally.. in astrology.  If you think about fire uncontrolled, it blazes wildly.  It's powerful, but terribly destructive.  It's reckless, angry, unrelenting, and once it has used up all its energy, it quickly burns out.  This is what I was before.  The more the lost, confused blaze grew within me, the weaker the light grew in my eyes.  

(I'm not gonna lie. I learned a lot from UNCLE on Avatar, the cartoon show. LOL!)

But if you think about it, the potential is immense.  If fire is controlled, it gives light, growth, warmth, and its energy is so powerful beyond measure.  I know I've got this inside of me and it's now time that I tap into it.  It took a while to get here, but I can honestly say.. that I'm finding my ground.  Where I need to be, what choices I should make to get there, and how to come into my skin. 

I've tried to find a sense of belonging in the wrong ways, with places and people that weren't right for me. Realization: Never in my life have I been able to get strength and validation from others, so why keep trying?  The people that matter have been sent by God not to give it to me, but to help me find it within myself.  Only when I make the decision to take control of my own life will I be able to find my purpose, and really be free to grow without boundaries.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being angry, imperfect, and lost.  Nor is it selfish to leave everything and everyone else behind in pursuit of where I need to be. 

I've decided that it's my time now.. to stand up, run toward my goal, and fight to make my dreams happen.  I'm not going to be scared anymore.  I am no longer the petty little baby that I've let everyone see me as.  I, with everything I will become, am way more than what you see.  

This is not a statement of pride or conceit.  I'm grateful beyond words to those who have paved the way for me to get here and I know I've got a hell of a lot more to learn.  I'm ready to stretch myself out of my comfort zone.  Only when I master all the elements God has yet to give me will I really be able to establish that sense of who I am.  What matters is that I'm moving.  I'm not just ready to blah blah blah. I'm actively doing it.  I've jumped the most difficult hurdle: the starting line.

With that I guess I'll end it here. I'll probably edit this 5 times more, but oh well!

Thanks for listening,

Kris

Darkness

I can feel it slowly consuming my body. 

I constantly touch a paradox of an intense fire within me, consumed by rage and mania; the other side of me completely still.. afraid to move forward, apathetic, pessimistic.

I'm just damn tired of fighting myself to keep going when everything tells me to just call it quits.  Damn tired of being everybody's scapegoat and easy target. Damn tired of feeling like no matter what I do, I'm always criticized for it and nothing's ever right.

I need a breath of fresh air to cleanse my polluted spirits.

-k.

Pressure.

So this entry is about the PRESSURE I've been feeling so heavily in recent times.  I've been losing the love for my passions of music and dance because of such labor and pressure to measure up.  It's my worst trait; I always expect too much of myself too soon and am EXTREMELY disappointed when it doesn't happen right away.  I get angry and discouraged so easily because I know my potential.. and I know how much I want this. Most of all, I know I can get there and won't accept anything less than the best of myself.  No matter what I do or how well I do, I never fully feel satisfied.

A couple nights a go, I was just so fed up with everything.  I was physically, mentally, and spiritually worn out.. and I STILL was not getting the moves correctly no matter how much I kept trying.  I had midterms and didn't do as well as I should of, even if I know I didn't do badly.  My voice has improved also, but not as much as I would like.  I know I need to practice more and more. It's just so hard to find time to do all of this. 

I always have a million things on my mind at once: God, singing, homework, sponsorship, orders, grades, deliveries, performances, practicing, choreography, dancers, finalizing, be strong on this, smooth this out, hit this harder, organizing, forms, contracts, hair, this move is staccato, slide into this note, it's boom boom CAT boom boom not boom boom CAT uhhh boom baboom, the note is to sharp when you sing it so think like you want to sing it flat but you're actually singing it on pitch, appearances, pitches, body images, resonate that note in between your 1st and 2nd voice and less on your 3rd voice, pronounce this word with a proper vowel formation, family, friends, HOW TO DO ALL OF THIS AND BE ABLE TO BREATHE STILL, everything. And at that one moment when I was covered in sweat, knees aching, head burning from anger, blood boiling, no energy left.. I thought: "Maybe I just.. wasn't meant to do this.. as much as I want it and love it. Sure it's given me a reason to live for the first time in my life.. but maybe my body just isn't meant to cooperate and I just wasn't meant to be born with that kind of talent. Perhaps I should be more practical and realistic."

But I'm not giving up. This thought still holds a very steadfast place in my mind and spirit.. but I've invested too much time and energy.. blood.. sweat.. and tears to give up now. If I do, I let down everyone that's encouraged me to keep going.. and I let myself down.  I need to remember that the most talented and inspiring people are those who have worked the hardest.. and I've worked too hard to give up on my dream now. I asked for this, and I'm gonna try my best to follow through and not go back on my word with things get rough.

If Michael Jordan didn't make his high school basketball team, yet turned around to be the greatest player in history.. then I'm sure I can be just as great.

I gotta work for it, and I will.

Keep pushing,

Kina

Need to Digest.

To the left is a picture of a strawberry nutella shortcake Mae Mae and I made for breakfast saturday morning. Well I made that particular one in the picture though. ahahhaa. It's pretty, huh? =D

Kathleen Sabrina Reyes (one of the people who know me best):

"You've gone from being 18 to 23 in less than a year."

Don't I know it.. more like I can feel it. This week is going to be yet another exhausting week.. as I have 3 midterms, 8am/9am classes, and HELL WEEK starting for GRV (for those of you who aren't dancers, this means 7-3am practices everyday for about two weeks).

The week after that is still hell week because our competition is that saturday. That week also happens to be my spring break. =( But at least I get more sleep.. better to have these midterms now rather than the week before the competition. At least this way I can perform better.

I'm getting the hang of this sponsor gathering thing.. I've got one company willing to offer me quite a bit just to promote and perform for them.

Should I start drinking coffee? How else am I gonna wake up! Slapping myself and driving with the windows open isn't working! aha.

My inner calling for quality family time is getting louder and louder. I miss everyone and have been so busy with work, dance, singing, and school to make time for them. I know that in the future it's worth it, but you only get to make these kind of memories with your kin once.  I'm hoping to make some changes this year to try and spend as much time bonding with my family as possible, whether it just be dinner/lunch with them on weekends to going on vacations.

Most of my days last from 8am to 3am, so I think that inner longing for family is a sign that I need to slow down a bit. I have this problem of thinking that I'm superwoman and that I can go after every opportunity that comes my way at full force.  It's good to be hungry, but I'm starting to feel that spiritual, mental, and physical stomach ache.. if you get what I mean.  I need time to digest.

I broke my lent today. We had leftover donuts from yesterday. I didn't want to waste them. I'm so sorry, Jesus. But I promise to make it up on sunday. I won't eat meat OR fried things. 

Keep me in your prayers, I know I need as much as I can.

Stay Strong,

Cortinaaa ("curtain" en espanol)

Moving Forward.

Time to cater to one of my greatest passions as well - FASHION. It's not my most prominent interest, but still a pretty significant one.

Shout out to my friend SEAN, whose blog introducted me to the Satorialist, a blog dedicated to appreciating fashion around the world.

 

I don't have much money right now because I spend so much of it on gas, dancing, music, food, school, etc.  But at least I can indulge virtually =)

Here are a few ensembles I adored while surfing:

My fashion taste can only be described as simple, but very specific. A motif I try to live my whole life by, might I add.

Here, this dress is so intricate and vibrant, but very subtle.  The pattern almost looks like midnight tinted peacock feathers; the centers gently catching light to really add that special spark to the outfit.  I love how its soft, flowy fabric contrasts with the thicker material of the vest coat. The gloves look like they're almost constructed in a pinstripe weaving. Details, honey!

 

If you know me, then you know my favorite color is black. Why? it's timeless, clean, and brings out the highlights in colors all around it.

Here, this guy's coat is beautifully tailored. The buttons, pockets, and stitching accentuate his frame very well.  The peek of the blue shirt under is toned down just enough to balance with the brightness of the brown scarf (you wouldn't think brown could be bright, huh?).  Usually I'm not toooooo crazy about having two brightly contrasting colors in one outfit, but the black majority brings it all together.

And finally, you know I'm all about ingenuity. How do you make sexy pieces look striking without crossing the line? Downplay it enough to be intimidating, but not overbearing! 

I've got to say that my favorite piece in this outfit is the skirt. It's the heart of the masterpiece of course, and everything else compliments it very well.  The zippered skirt looks like it's made of some tethered, rough material - just enough to bring some raw edge.  The zipper across the thighs undone just a tad adds that sexy along with the platform stiletto boots.  And last but not least, the black tights and scarf cover her up, making this look perfectly appropriate.

Wellll that's all for now. In other aspects of life, I'm moving forward FAST. I can't wait for what's to come.  I've also been informed that in my upcoming showcase 600 people will be in the audience. No pressure right? =)

Stay Lovely Los Angeles,

TinTin

Looking Forward.

I'm kind of addicted to Norah Jones lately.

So no class tomorrow because it's the 13th (i guesssss. hahaha). Bam's teaching at Jayvee Dance Studio on saturday.. hopefully I can take for free because he said I could be his guest =O!!! Heh. Then Kim's party later that night.. ohhhh I can feel it's gonna be CRACKIN. Last time it was just a last minute thing and it was a really great time, suprisingly.  I'll be sure to start posting some pictures.

I made a twitter! :D

www.twitter.com/kristinajareno

I just got home from another exhausting day at practice.. another tiring and eventful week =)

I can feel the work I've been putting in paying off. BUT there's always room for more growth.  It's time for me to take a few more jumps not knowing where I'll land. All I know is I don't want to remain where I'm at for too long. 

For some reason, fear keeps getting the best of me. Not for long, I promise.

I'm trying to round up my sponsors for JEMA Entertainment's first Showcase. I might be opening up the show! ;)  Ahhhh.. so much to worry about.  The BIG GUYS are gonna be there and I'm gonna need to network like crazy! Luckily, I've already found a choreographer to help gather, stage, and handle some backup dancers to give my performance that extra candy :D.  He dances with me on GRV, and has done that sort of thing before so I'm pretty excited.  He's the only gay guy on the team and he knows EVERYTHING about being feminine, sexy, styled, etc. Basically all the things I'm usually not since I walk around in guy clothes and rarely get dolled up. This performance is substantially important to my debut as JEMA Entertainment's artist.. especially because of all the people I need to leave a lasting impression on. Plus the pressure of opening up the show to a venue that seats up to 600 people? OMGGGG. Hahahah.  I've only got a bit more than a month to perfect my piece, stage the performance with the dancers, get my best A-game up, find a unique&special look, gather sponsors.. so much to do!

Pray for me,

Kristina Ann

Motifs

EDIT: k so another haha. what can say. it was a good creative night.

k so.. another. what can I say. today's a good, creative day. k i didn't mean to rhyme there really.

"=)"

You make me smile.

Simple words tick like tocks on my dial

See I, can't turn a blind eye

to your bright, elusive aura

Drench my heart in wine

Like Norah. Joans of Arcs..

Fairytale remarks

You make me ..

=)

Make me want to remain victorious.

I'm not your a-ver-age martyr

Your not my a-ver-age ma-ver-ick

Though more than you know.

Don't you realize how much you shine?

Plus+, you balance out all the.. - negative lines

As we combine and equate so melodically

We become connoisseurs of the signs.

Peach, baby Pi. Mmm.. love so sweet

Irrational, necessary, yet so discreet

The ultimate wanna-put-you-on-repeat

Baboom base beats, you make me..

=) ::sigh::

Want to summon Eros.. himself

While he plays with arrows

Point to the left of three.

Pointing me which ways on which days

Again with the signs.

Summon Dionysis instead

Again with the wine.

Yes, drench me. 

Pour me out on your heart

And I'll remain soaked within you

'Til next we part.

"Penelope's Siren."

The waters ahead of you are turbulent.

Still I, weave this tapestry

Weave and weave, and need to proceed

and once you are free, I..

play Penelope.

See it rained today,

and in the midst of the mist

I imagined your kiss

Silver lining of bliss

Through the dark cloud abyss.

Del So[u]l peeks through, then

The bright warms my skin 

and I, bloom from within

and I, like the walls of Berlin,

Crumble, your love therein.

Hold on.. let me re-route.

See normally herbal remedies aren't my taste

But I'm just so high and no I can't lie

I sigh guilty of addiction.. to you.

Why? Can we not float away with our smoke

We spark and permeate so beautifully, so dope.

Haha..Again with the drugs, but I swear I am Parthenos

Just love drunk.

See I can't help but sink,

I've lost all direction.

Our burning hearts glow

through our champagne affection.

I resist the temptation,

TIngling to let you call me baby.

Although I want you to claim me

I won't neglect my identity.

Though a rose by any other name..

I'd still be sweet to you.

So cheers! Raise a chime in my heart

boomboom, kakakakat, baboom, KAT boom - so loud.

But hush, stay quiet and hold dear

Gently heed our song, no matter how near.

"Love: two minds without a single thought" - Philip Barry.

Let's just be,

kboo.

so i decided to write another. :)

but the direction of this one is.. quite opposite to the first.

"Standing Next to You"

I look in the mirrors only to see you next to me.

In optical reality, we might coexist but only physically.

Spiritually we don't connect, emotionally neither 

I will not taste your pollutive cider.

Sustained me like the others

"Do you really think I'd do that to you?"

I was the fool, you played a good hand.

An adept trickster never orchestrates a real man.

Disgust burns my intestines

Pain condenses my heart

'Twas almost enough to make me

Neglect hope, lose love, banish art.

In time, I'll forgive you.

A sinful grudge I consume.

Love, I beg you.. prove me wrong

as only sorrow looms.

Nostalgia.

Lately I've been taking a long stroll through memory lane. Part of the reason why I feel like I've finally reached my emotional and spiritual homeostasis (or as close to it as I can get) is because of this.. reflecting on where I started and how far I've come as a person. And for once, I'm finally taking the time to slow down and simplify my life. Only when I make room for growth, will I really make a turn for the best. I'm slowly learning that moderation is the key. I've sacrificed so much of myself and have been running on low for so long. I'm glad to say that rejuvenation couldn't be better =)

Anyway. I was thinking about the events of my debut and my pasts birthdays, along my memory lane rendezvous.

Shout out to Andro Gayondato, who serenaded and jammed with me on my 16th AND 18th Birthday Parties. You've come so far as well, Andro! Keep pushing!!! :D

EDIT

I forgot to sign out with a nickname. sorry!

PS: I made this post at Kathy's house<3 

PPS: I've also decided to start ending my blogs with inspirational quotes. =)

"What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Love&Peace,

Princess Laila

Feeling Good.

My internal balance has been restored. For now, I really feel that I'll be just fine for once.

Thank you, Father.. for quieting my troubled mind and comforting wary heart.

word of the day:

vie v.intr.

To strive for victory or superiority; contend. See Synonyms at rival.

1. Archaic To offer in competition; match.

2. Obsolete To wager or bet.

[Short for Middle English envien, from Old French envier, from Latin invtre, to invite, give occasion for; see invite.]

Well, isn't that amazing?  The etymology for the word "vie" suggests that it doesn't only mean to strive for something, but to invite.. 

So as I go on to vie for opportunity, I also invite opportunity.

sweet.

k peace out. 

- xtina

(i'll be signing out with nicknames)

Refinement.

Hello blogworld!

So much has happened since my last blog 4 months ago. Hard to believe it's only been 4 months.

1. God.

I've struggled so much these past months. I've lost myself.. My spirit has been broken.. My heart has been beaten and scarred.. yet somehow God always manages to give me a glimmer of his light reminding me not to give up.  In the midst of so much trial, fear, and falling, I remain cut open and giving a pure cry: "Abba, Father.. abba."  Help me, Father, help me.. When I'm distraught, scared, and angry, I can't help but breakdown. My body concaves and yet I feel God's voice within me saying "It will be alright. You'll be fine. It's okay, let it out." Right then it's clear to me that I don't have to be this strong character that I've always worked so hard to be. I'm a woman, I'm human. I can fall weak to my knees and am entitled to express my emotions.  It's so hard to muster up that drive that's always kept me alive; the drive to keep pushing onward.  I can see more of God's plan unfolding everyday, yet I remain scattered and overwhelmed. Well, I've come to accept that it's perfectly normal .. with the dream that I have.  In time, I'll be where I need to be. I'm just so eager to get there. But I need to be patient. God needs to mold me first.. Refine me with his fire.  Right now is the time to burn and it will hurt so deeply, but it's necessary.  I need to be able to withstand blow after blow and that stability doesn't come without being knocked down.  All in all, he knows how much I hurt, but all that counts is each step I keep taking forward.

and: Thankfully, God has sent me a guardian angel to help me through all of this and guide me. My mentor, my sister, my everything. Thank you Ate Jess<3

2. School.

I'm still learning how to work out the kinks, but I've come to accept that I'm allowed to make mistakes. I'M A FRESHMAN. I'm supposed to! I'm young and still finding my way.  In 20 years I won't beat myself up over every little thing I do wrong. The problem is my impatient, nitpicking, self-critical, personality that always wants to improve every second. But it's alright. It's exactly this quality that will get me to where I ultimately want to be.  I've got the hang of quite a few things along the way, and it isn't so bad. My butt is being kicked a bit less now :)

I've actually decided on a shift in career goals. I'll talk more about it further through the blog.

3. Artistry

Man, it is such a blessing to see how much talent is undiscovered within our own city.  It's kept me grounded to see that inspiring people doesn't always mean being on the big screen or tv.  Love, truth, and sincerity in your craft is what inspires other people to keep going when they look to you for affirmation.  I've still got SO MUCH growing to do, but as I reflect on what I've been through since i first started this journey in 8th grade, I'm glad to see the work that God has down and how much I've grown.. how far I've come.  And boy, it's not over yet! I've got big plans for this year, big leaps.  I've even expressed to my leaders, teachers, and mentors that I want them to be HARD on me so that I can pack in as much improvement as I can.  This year I'm going to take even bigger strides than I have in the past.  I don't want to run this year, I want to SPRINT. And mark my words, it will happen.  I've already met some HIGH hurdles and have even failed jumping them, but the important thing is that I'm still going in this race.  

Word of the month: CATALYST

Merriam-Webster definition: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

Yes, if it weren't for these great hurdles and doors slammed in my face, I wouldn't have such a desire to speed faster to catch up or blow that door the F_CK open! (I tried to give up cursing for lent. My apologies.)

I really feel like I'm beginning to come into my own skin. I'm so scattered in trying to find my ground, my stability, my identity. There are so many things to take into account and so many endeavors to worry about.  It's so difficult to simply my life and let nature take it's natural course.  But I just turned 18. I know I've come so far ahead than quite a few other 18 year olds and have time.  

SO. Here I go, venturing on to find my ground. =)

Literally speaking: 

-GRV takes alot, still have those 5-8 hour rehearsals and 30-60 minute drives, not to mention the money it costs. But I feel like I'm giving it my all and learning so much. Still a workstudy, unfortunately. But hey, that was the ultimate CATALYST. Just wait - after a few years of working as hard as I work inside and outside of GRV, I'll be saying "WORKSTUDY MY @SS!"   

-JEMA Entertainment is coming along beautifully. Jessica Michelle Magbitang, aka Jesschelle aka ATE works so hard.  I only hope to make her proud and it's such a relief to have that one person who believes in you so much.. that one person who will hold you in her arms as you cry and rubs your back. She's also very maternal in many respects =)

-It's become more apparent to me that my real passion isn't in business, but teaching. I'll be able to teach my two passions and network accordingly, plus the skills I'm gaining from Other Duck is helping me. I don't have to major in business to learn about it ;)

4. Family

We still have our little fights here and there, but for the most part I'm in a peaceful household. I'm so glad that my parents are letting me spread my wings, if you will.  I'm so blessed to have them and couldn't be more thankful.  My cousin is beginning to find a bit of herself, my little MaeMae.  Michelle is still doing her own thing.  Kuya RJ is still building his prosperity up north. I'm so proud that he's established such a stable life, and that he's able to be a real man for his girlfriend Aira.  Angelo is still.. the dearcousinjerseybestie. Sarsie couldn't be a cuter dog. For now, things seem to be going smoothly. Let's hope it stays this way for a longer while this time.

5. Love

I'm still single, and more aware than EVER about the game.  I've got alot to do and don't have time to play.  I really think God was just trying to make it easier for me to continue the path of my dream. To quote the film, Iron Jawed Angels, "When you're alone, you can make any choice you want. But once you're in love, you lose that right."  God has specially picked me a man and I have no doubt I'll find him. But I'm just fine being on my own right now.  In time after God's refined me and my match, we'll be an even better fit than we would have been in this young, flailing, developing phase of mine.  God, my family, and closest friends are all the love I need right now. Romance can wait.  Plus, looking back on my past pursuits, my mistake was becoming so open and vulnerable too soon.  I value myself enough to wait until a man comes along that will earn the privilege of having me to care about them and ultimately share my love.  A heart like mine shouldn't be given to just anyone, and a love like mine shouldn't be taken lightly.

Alright that's all for now, kids.  I'll fill you guys in on more as more insight comes my way. Thanks for reading!

Love always,

Kristina