New.

Okay so, thanks to Passion and his amazing love for God and his woman, I haven't given up on love. Almost makes me want to envy a long distance relationship.

 

so I couldn't log on to my other account. kristinajareno.blogspot.com

here's a new one. 

1. God

My relationship with him has it's highest and lowest points quite often.  There are times when I feel his hand guiding every event in my life and times when I don't feel him at all. I know I am blessed immensely by him and I know I don't deserve it all. But I also know that I've got struggles to go through.. and each one putting me through more than the last.. each time hurting so much worse.. each time making me so much stronger.  No matter how much I take him for granted and neglect him and make stupid mistakes.. it feels so good that he will never love me any less. He'll always be there. He'll never leave.  From now on I'll keep this in mind with any opportunity I pursue.. whether it be a relationship, friendship, event, endeavor, etc.  How does ______ show love for God? Ultimately that is how ______ will show love and benefit you.

*Thanks to Jessica Michelle Magbitang, my sister, my friend, my mentor, my teacher, my leader, for reminding me of this.

2. School

Cal State Long Beach. Stats is kicking my butt. Tell me why I wanted to become a business major again? Oh, that's right. I wanted to help people manage by offering my leadership (a skill that's still being developed, I might add).  Having my downey girls there (Vi, Karen, Karizza<3)>

3. Passion

I'm still doing the music thing. I've come a long way since 8th grade, but I've still got a long way to go. I've got a lot of work to do and I'm so ready to take it on. (Well.. right now I caught a bit of a cold =( .. sucks.)  God has really made it obvious to me that DANCE has always been one of my unknown passions/gifts/talents.  I absolutely love it and spend 902384932842 doing it.. and I'm not that bad at it. haha. My dreams have expanded ever since I started dancing and everything is coming together.  I could take my dreams global and that's exactly what I'm going to do.  A combination of my love for music, dance, art, and business savvy could result in this: Teaching dance all around the world promoting my own music, while gaining experience needed to network and manage artists that need quality dancers, back up vocalists, fashion consultants, photographers.. the possibilities are endless.

4. Family

I'm in the process of planning a HUGE debut.. about 250 coming. This is my time to present myself and show who I really am. I'll blog alot about it later probably.  My mom and dad aren't on my back as much.. probably because I had to fight them to get me to live my life and pursue the opportunities presented to me. I understand their love for me and concern for my well being and I couldn't be more appreciative (even when it seems like it's the total opposite), but for goodness sake, you gotta let me spread my wings. If I fall, then I fall and get up stronger. 

On a side note, Cousin Michelle goes to the same college as me! I don't see her as much, though.  Cousin MaeMae's taken the role of like.. mini-me. She's got a good future ahead of her and is already trying to develop her dreams.. which is a start. My brother's living his life w/ intel, his gf, and bay area life. He's doing great but I don't get to talk to him as much because of our busy schedules.  Cousin Angelo has taken the role of my best friend from across the country. I talk to him so much through aim and tell him EVERYTHING since I'm always on the computer handling my business.

Working? ALOT OF IT. dancing.. handling things.. and not to mention OTHER DUCK CLOTHING. It's alot to handle and scary as hell but that's the part of growing up, right? Right. You work and make mistakes and fix them and do better and in the end, everyone pulls through. I just have to remember to trust myself, and trust God. 

5. Last but not least, Love.

Well.. my first ever experience with that was over a year ago in high school.. and I must say that love puts you through a whirlwind of emotions - straight up rollercoaster. I can honestly say that I've only really cared about 2 boys in my life.. one I was strung on over the interval of about 2 years on and off.. and one I'm still strung on and have been for almost 2 months. Honestly..  I don't think time always coincides with love.  You can think you cared so much for someone for years and then it doesn't work out .. and then later another person comes along that knocks you off your feet and you have such deeper feelings for that person in only a matter of months. I think your age (not literal years however.. but maturity) play a BIG role.  I've become a different person since a couple years ago - completely different.  And you know what, I hate titles. Whether you dated someone, became someone's girlfriend, "talked" to them.. whatever & etc.  If you're lucky enough to find someone and have a connection with them.. something real.. it's beautiful. No matter how long it lasted or how it ended.. It's still beautiful that you experienced it. It's a glimpse of love even in it's youngest, raw form where nothing is said and you just deeply care about that person. You can label it however you want "in like, infatuation, inSANE," but it's still love regardless. But yeah. I was lucky enough to glimpse a bit of love recently and it was great. (Note: I said i glimpsed* a bit of what love feels like. I didn't say I was in love with this guy or that I loved him because OH LORD that would be tooooo soon. I did care for him more than any guy I've ever cared for though.. even if I haven't cared for many guys lol). OH GOD, I was a mess.  Bubbly and stupid and floating and all that stuff you always hear about. The only con to love is that it brings you up so high that when you fall, you hit rock bottom that much harder. Let's just say I've never hit bottom this hard before and it's never hurt this much.  That's the curse of young love I guess. Young means that you're still growing.. which means you're going to go so many places, do so many things, make so many mistakes, learn so many lessons, etc. You're never gonna stay put so it's understandable that all things begin and must come to an end - including love.  That doesn't necessarily mean it won't happen again or that it was in vain, though.  And it especially doesn't make it any easier when it does end. 

So all anger, angst, depression, sleepless nights, endless tears, heartache, hollow chests, and denial aside, love is worth it.

Did KRISTINA just say that? haha yes bitches, I did.  The great thing about putting so much of yourself out there for another person is that you learn things about yourself that you never knew.. value things that you never valued. 

So yeah. this time around, love wasn't enough I guess and things have their own way of working out. There's no way to tell if i'll rekindle or if I'll find new love anytime soon so I guess I have to just take it as it comes. And I gotta say that I'm SCARED AS HELL to go through this shit again because it's freaking crazy being lifted so high then dropped so low. No doubt the emotional scars will always be here and cut deeper and deeper each time. But there's no questioning the beauty of the game.. and how much more value it has every time.

Til next time,

k.

PS:

THE REMEDY FOR A BROKEN HEART (whether by fault of love, life, mistakes, betrayal, etc.)

3 cups of hot peach tea with whipped cream
1 slow acoustic/r&b/soul playlist
1 warm blanket + pillow
2 sleepless nights followed by..

1 "LET IT ALL OUT" night in which you finally cry yourself to sleep.
3 long, night time drives
1 workaholic week
3 freestyle sessions with the piano resulting in the creation of at least one song.
7 instances of quality time with your true friends to readjust your mind and heart.

try it.

okay.. i need to release some things i can't get out of my head.

youtubes late night conversations aim texts while driving while eating while everything all day what are you doing my mom my dog my uncle my brother my cousin wants to know I want to know long night drives taking the long way home it's a grind eagle eye roscoe's the pike it's cold keep me warm hold my hand drive with one hand house fresh prince chill fedex guitar hero pat's driving games on the 5 i won sharing histories making history baby kisses on stops and red lights how long can you keep your eyes on me while driving  i miss it leaving an hour or two after i planned to baby i just didn't wanna leave you uke i'm yours stay outside panda express yoshinoya chipotle mcdonalds wendy's jack in the box surprises rasberry lemonade chapstick getting annoyed at the teasing but now i miss the teasing broom ball mighty ducks yeah that's him i'm lucky i am my girl my friend my lover oh vienna take a chance knotts scary farm fetal positions special spots lights so bright i'm outside the only reason the 10 was worth taking tell me if you want me to singing in the car you were always on pitch falling fast scared as hell carne asada fries i'm sorry i'm sorry smile chill comfortable i could get used to this me too mr. pibb easy ice jokes pillow fights what are you looking at i can't look at you no you can oh vienna why you gotta be so far away why you gotta make me feel this way house down to chill forgetting sarah marshall something special something real i miss you fuck all inhibitions i don't care anymore crew neck nike hoodie miracle hand balm made my hands so soft i can't forget it walk to my door walk to my car drive safe kiss goodnight kiss my hand post it notes blue hi happy faces hahaha's L&L our first was on the couch the thursday after hell week watching fresh prince i was half a sleep everything changed graham crackers how do you measure a second 1 mississipi arm gestures testing baby just checking in can't call you baby traffic 605 save me from myself nutella pretty mama if you're single i love it cuz she got her own can't hold you anymore strawberry musiq braces are bomb kit kat bars horchata we match we match how was your day how are you i missed you is it that easy trippin tears can't breathe ipod repeats cd repeats every where i go i see us give anything to hold you one last time close your eyes fall asleep on me wake up calls hi baby i never knew baby was that sacred i played it safe half crazy kool-aid i took chance i'm left behind do you even care 5 second rule 2 second rule kiss never again don't forget value did you even thanks for always being there everything felt okay where'd you go surprise caprisuns cheetos that won't happen why when where how i won't forget superman no one soft hair you didn't shave you're cute i'm aight you sleep with your hat on? you sleep with your shirt on? video chat hold your horses his mistakes his mistakes well kisses at the gas pump theatre 7 pump 7 baby let's break the myth prove them that we're strong enough this just can't be summer love see i've had enough of playing the same old game do you really think i would you can't control circumstances you think i would do what he did i hoped not you left i'm here i'm always here fridays you ordered the chicken fettucini helped me handle crates, boxes, life you helped me hsm3 take my hand can i have this dance i kissed you i'm sorry i used to look at you with such hope and joy now i see only what used to be do you still even care did you move on so easily do you miss me i'm sorry.