Pressure.

So this entry is about the PRESSURE I've been feeling so heavily in recent times.  I've been losing the love for my passions of music and dance because of such labor and pressure to measure up.  It's my worst trait; I always expect too much of myself too soon and am EXTREMELY disappointed when it doesn't happen right away.  I get angry and discouraged so easily because I know my potential.. and I know how much I want this. Most of all, I know I can get there and won't accept anything less than the best of myself.  No matter what I do or how well I do, I never fully feel satisfied.

A couple nights a go, I was just so fed up with everything.  I was physically, mentally, and spiritually worn out.. and I STILL was not getting the moves correctly no matter how much I kept trying.  I had midterms and didn't do as well as I should of, even if I know I didn't do badly.  My voice has improved also, but not as much as I would like.  I know I need to practice more and more. It's just so hard to find time to do all of this. 

I always have a million things on my mind at once: God, singing, homework, sponsorship, orders, grades, deliveries, performances, practicing, choreography, dancers, finalizing, be strong on this, smooth this out, hit this harder, organizing, forms, contracts, hair, this move is staccato, slide into this note, it's boom boom CAT boom boom not boom boom CAT uhhh boom baboom, the note is to sharp when you sing it so think like you want to sing it flat but you're actually singing it on pitch, appearances, pitches, body images, resonate that note in between your 1st and 2nd voice and less on your 3rd voice, pronounce this word with a proper vowel formation, family, friends, HOW TO DO ALL OF THIS AND BE ABLE TO BREATHE STILL, everything. And at that one moment when I was covered in sweat, knees aching, head burning from anger, blood boiling, no energy left.. I thought: "Maybe I just.. wasn't meant to do this.. as much as I want it and love it. Sure it's given me a reason to live for the first time in my life.. but maybe my body just isn't meant to cooperate and I just wasn't meant to be born with that kind of talent. Perhaps I should be more practical and realistic."

But I'm not giving up. This thought still holds a very steadfast place in my mind and spirit.. but I've invested too much time and energy.. blood.. sweat.. and tears to give up now. If I do, I let down everyone that's encouraged me to keep going.. and I let myself down.  I need to remember that the most talented and inspiring people are those who have worked the hardest.. and I've worked too hard to give up on my dream now. I asked for this, and I'm gonna try my best to follow through and not go back on my word with things get rough.

If Michael Jordan didn't make his high school basketball team, yet turned around to be the greatest player in history.. then I'm sure I can be just as great.

I gotta work for it, and I will.

Keep pushing,

Kina